7 Years Wasted: How To Set Goals The Wrong Way
Setting a goal is easy. Achieving a goal can be difficult. But finding lasting satisfaction in the process — that’s the tricky part.
I recently took a look back over the first 35 years of my life. That’s when I noticed there had been five different ways that I thought about goals over the years. Each of these “goal mindsets” was an evolution of the previous. And each transition changed the way I approached life.
I got stuck in mindset #3 for seven long years. I’m sharing my experience in hopes that it will help someone avoid falling into the same trap that I did.
Goal Mindset #1
As best as I can remember, my first goals were very shallow.
- I wanted a Ferrari.
- I wanted to have a million dollars.
- I wanted to play hockey in the NHL.
I was a kid. I wanted things but had no sense of how to achieve them. My brain just wanted what it wanted. The thought process didn’t go any further.
Goal Mindset #2
Fortunately, it didn’t take long to realize that if I wanted something, even something simple like a toy, I was going to have to put in some effort. Whether that was begging a parent or finding some way to earn money. Action was required to get a result.
This was a significant shift in my mindset. It wasn’t just about realizing that I had to do something to achieve a goal. It was also a recognition that accomplishing a goal was possible — it only required effort.
This was empowering.
No longer was I just dreaming. I could get what I wanted. I only had to be willing to put in the effort to make things happen. That wasn’t so bad.
Goal Mindset #3
From my late-teens to my mid-twenties I began to accomplish some of my larger goals. I had a great business, a nice car, lived in a nice house, had plenty of free time, and I got married to the wife of my dreams.
By all accounts, I had all of the things I ever wanted and more.
But during this time I began to noticing something odd. These milestones weren’t the big life-changing events I thought they would be. Accomplishing big goals didn’t result in the lasting satisfaction that I was expecting.
This wasn’t how things were supposed to be.
I slowly started losing interest in setting goals.
This didn’t happen in a single moment or with a sudden realization. There was just this subtle shadow that was cast over the way I thought about goals and my expectations for life.
Why bother chasing big goals? I didn’t see an upside. Either I would fail to meet them, or I would succeed, and any resulting satisfaction would eventually fade.
So why not just coast through life and enjoy it as is? I tried that for a while.
It wasn’t so bad. How could I complain? I still had plenty of free time. I enjoyed working with talented people. And I still had fun working on various projects. I just didn’t get as excited about big goals. That’s ok.
But life became pretty stale.
Over time I began to reflect on the most rewarding experiences in my life. The times when I felt most alive and fulfilled. They almost always occurred when I was chasing a big goal. And yet I knew that achieving the goal wouldn’t lead to lasting satisfaction.
Here is where I made a big mistake that I didn’t revisit for seven years.
I concluded that any feelings of fulfillment leading up to the completion of a goal were just a trick. This was my brain making the mistake of anticipating a sense of achievement that wouldn’t be there. Or at least that wouldn’t last.
I felt this way for years. I wasn’t unhappy or frustrated with life. I just thought that the most satisfying experiences were based on chasing a kind of mirage. So I embraced that conclusion and half-heartedly continued to aim for new goals. It was better than doing nothing, right?
This lasted for years. I didn’t dwell on it. It was just in the back of my mind.
Goal Mindset #4
And then something changed.
It wasn’t a result of any one insight. In fact, I can now look back and point to many stories, words of advice, and even personal thoughts that were all saying the same thing. I just didn’t make the connections until the moment it all came together in my mind.
That’s when I realized the journey towards a goal was the reward. It wasn’t just a necessary evil, or a means to an end. And it wasn’t just a small part of the reward either. The journey is everything.
Goals are just mile markers. They help measure progress and make it possible to celebrate milestones along the way.
Think about what happens when someone achieves a goal but skips the journey. It’s no secret that many lottery winners end up broke and miserable. And it’s not shocking when an overnight-celebrity ends up having a mental breakdown. On the surface, they achieved what some might consider significant goals, but they missed the journey. They missed the best part.
More to the point — they focused on the goal of money or fame and expected it to be a life-changing event. When it didn’t meet their expectations, they didn’t know what to do. They were lost.
Achieving a goal is like finishing a great novel. It’s not enough to just read the last page. It’s about enjoying the story. It may be tempting to skip to the end out of anticipation, but that would ruin the experience.
What’s interesting is, when you finally finish reading a great book, you just wish it could keep going on forever. You don’t want it to end.
This realization changed everything for me. My rewarding experiences weren’t based on closing in on a big goal. They were all about overcoming big obstacles and enjoying the rush of completing tough challenges.
So I began to focus much more on embracing the journey.
Goal Mindset #5
But there’s still one big problem.
Not every journey is worth your time and effort. I’m not advocating putting yourself through hell just to “overcome a difficult challenge.”
Sometimes we choose goals for all the wrong reasons.
We can end up chasing money, fame, or power. None of these things are inherently bad, but they can become big distractions. And sometimes, trying to achieve these things can come at the expense of what we really want.
Life is complicated.
It’s easy to make the mistake of reducing deep human experiences into shallow achievements. The desire to “create remarkable value in the world” can quickly turn into dreaming about “getting rich.” And the goal of “earning respect from our peers” can turn into a desire to just “become famous.”
If we’re not careful, we can start to value the appearance of success over success itself. And in a misguided effort to earn the admiration of others — we can make the mistake of settling for the illusion of achievement instead of doing what it takes to enjoy the real thing.
Shallow achievements ultimately lead to a shallow sense of satisfaction. It doesn’t pay to look for shortcuts or an easier path. These things just lead to a watered down experience.
I’m still in the process of exploring mindset #5. I don’t know where it will lead and I don’t know if there is a sixth or seventh to follow.
My working theory is that goals should start with a deep sense of what matters to you. Not how you want others to think of you, but what you want to be able to honestly think of yourself. And then setting out to find new and interesting ways to test yourself against those ideals.
