How to WIN an epic battle with a furious teenager.

It’s happened to me so many times. If you deal with teenagers, it will happened to you too. What you think is going to be an intellectual debate about “what a teenager should do” turns into an epic battle. Maybe it’s trying to convince them to turn off the TV. Maybe it’s trying to convince them to clean their room or be home on time. The list goes on…

In my case, it was making sure my summer school students turned in their work.

I didn’t think I would make such a classic error after being in education so long. However, through my good intentions, I took what I thought would be a simple debate and watched it turn into a power struggle. If you can relate, then read on.

The Situation:

One of my students last summer only had one more small project to do. However, instead of doing his work, he spent hours refusing to do his work and complaining for good measure.

At first, I didn’t care. “If he doesn’t do his work, that’s his problem.” I thought. But then he started saying things like, “Can I go home?,” “Why do I have to do this?,” and “This is so stupid!”

I made the mistake and took the bait.

I engaged in the conversation and the war was on. I argued, “Thaddeus (obvious name change here…for privacy reasons… ), just do the work!”

He argued back, “Can’t I just go home? I’ll think better at home.”

Me: “No, Thaddeus you cannot.”
Thaddeus: “Why do I have to do this?”
Me: “Thaddeus, can I be honest with you? I’m experiencing you as lazy.”
Thaddeus: “Yeah I’ve heard that before.”

After a while…

Me: “ Thaddeus, do your work!”
Thaddeus: “Why do I have to do this?”
Me (heartbeat rising): “ Thaddeus, are you done with summer school? Just go home then, you’re done!”
Thaddeus: “No. You always say that. I’m not going home.”

Round 3…FIGHT!

Me (trying to salvage the situation): “ Thaddeus, just do your work! You are so smart, I know you can do this!”
Thaddeus: “Then why did you say I was lazy?”
Me: “I didn’t say you were lazy, I said I experienced you as lazy.”
Thaddeus: “No, you said I was lazy!”

The lost battle,

Me: Ok Thaddeus, I’ve had it! Get out!
Thaddeus: No!
Me: I’m not asking you. I’m telling you!

Thaddeus left upset with still no work done. I was shaken up and wondering if I would be able to reconnect with him later in the school year.

The young man came by the next week and apologized. It showed maturity on his part, but this situation should have never happened in the first place. That was my fault.

It gets to you.

Before I move on, you need to know that I am going to mention some things about teenagers in general. Not all teenagers will act like this because not all teenagers have the same maturity level.

However, it’s easy to let teenagers get to you. They are smart, clever, and can form a descent argument. That makes you think that they are always reasonable. At least that’s what happens to me.

However, everyone (adults included) find it hard to be rational when your emotions are triggered.

What makes things worse is that the line from when the conversation moves from discussion to argument is so grey!

I have talked with many triggered teenagers. This is what they will do:

1. They will use your words against you. Thaddeus used my words against me: “Why did you say I was lazy?”
2. They will accuse you of wrong intentions. Have you heard the phrase, “That’s not fair!” or “You hate me.” The teenager is questioning your intentions and wondering not only if they can trust you, but if you are sure of your own actions.
3. They will use your friendship against you. It is hard forming connection and maintaining complete authority. It can be done, but simply know that there will be times when it will feel like your friendship with the student is in danger because you have to discipline them.
4. They will threaten you: “We’ll see what my dad says about that!” is a line I have heard a couple of times.

Want to win an argument with a teenager?

Here’s how:

1. Apply action before it escalates: Like with the example from Thaddeus, I should have applied a consequence before the situation escalated into a power struggle. That would have prevented me from becoming upset, and I would have protected my connection with Thaddeus.
2. Use “I statements” and act: Always tell the student what YOU will do. Say things like, “If you continue to talk, I’ll have to remove you from the classroom.” or “I saw you do that, I’ll do something about it. I need time to think.” The people at Love and Logic are the kings of “I statements” and delaying consequences. By delaying the consequence, you are able to think rationally later and create a healthy dose of worry in the teen.
3. Turn into a broken record until you come out of flight or fight. If you do get triggered, pick a one liner and simply say that over and over. Do not engage in the argument! For example: “I’ll discuss this after school.” (Again a tip I picked up from Love and Logic).
4. Step out of yourself. Be self aware about what is going on. Slow the conversation down. Take a timeout if you need to and simply observe what is really happening. Do not take anything personal! Realize that one or both of you are triggered and are not thinking 100% rationally.
5. Realize what they are really saying. Teenagers will push limits and complain. It’s part of their process for growth and development. Simply realize that they are vocalizing complaints even if it sounds like an accusation or threat. DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY! What they are really saying is, “Can I trust you to stay true to your word?” or “I simply don’t feel like doing this.” Figure out what they are really saying behind those sharp words.
6. Don’t question yourself. Teenagers will use your words and actions against you to prove that you are wrong. Don’t waste energy by questioning yourself. If something you did is obviously wrong, apologize, but otherwise don’t pay attention to the small details. They are trying to win the argument, but that is not the point. The point is accountability.
7. Look for reconnection. If you lose connection with the student, look for opportunities to reconnect. Don’t rush it or it will seem that you are sorry about keeping them accountable. Give them time. Teenagers forgive.

The last and most important point:

8. Don’t win the battle: I know, I know. It seems like a trick writing an article on “how to win an epic battle with a furious teenager,” and then you don’t get to win. But the fact of the matter is, it is not about winning or even convincing them of who is right. It is about lovingly keeping them accountable to their God given potential and calling. Winning the argument isn’t important. Helping develop their character is! Don’t win. Don’t argue. Use your authority and apply consequences that lead to accountability.

Obviously these things take practice. Be kind to yourself. If you mess up try again next time.

And trust me, there will be plenty (if not daily) “next times.”

What have you noticed when engaged in an argument with a teenager? What are some things you do in your house or in your classroom?

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If you are breathing, you are an educator.

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