The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Bros
They’re obnoxious, entitled and endlessly repulsive. But what can they teach us about living well?
--
I am not a bro. I was never a football star, never got my kicks “smashing chicks,” and I’m not super into EDM or Acro-Yoga. I imagine you’re not like that, either. If I was forced to speculate, I imagine bros don’t kill their time reading think-pieces on Medium. (They’re sharing listicles from the Forbes contributor network.)
But bros are killing it. They’re investment bankers and software developers, they’re starting businesses, they’re building their dream houses, they’ve got their pick of dating partners, they’re podcasting, they’re marrying off and they’re posing shirtless on Instagram for 1,587 likes and meanwhile your artful landscape shot is lucky to crack double-digits. Underneath all that misogyny and casual racism, they must be doing something right.
In fact, they’re doing 7 things right. What are they? What can we learn from them? Dawg, let’s go inside the mind of a bro.
1. Bros are confident as f**k.
Bros have spent most of their natural lives on this Earth believing that the world is theirs. And why wouldn’t they? They’re typically straight white affluent American dudes, which is essentially like having all the cheat codes to every video game IRL. They’re indoctrinated with a supreme belief that whatever they want is theirs. So, for them, it’s just a matter of going out and getting after it. To a degree, this confidence is contagious, infectious, and even a little sexy. The Law of Attraction is more powerful than five reps at max.
2. Bros have clear goals.
You could interpret this as a not-so-subtle nod to their weekly Friday, 8 p.m. proclamation of “We gon’ get this sh*t TURNT tonight!” Or … “I’m gonna pound out the first smoke-show who smiles at me.” Yes, it’s abrasive to listen to ad nauseum (or ever). But also, bros are quick to get into careers. And quick to rise in them. They want their first million by 34. They want that house and that kid. They want that marathon PR. And they want to do it their way. They don’t stew in an existential grey area. They don’t question their aspirations. They just have goals till they reach them. Then they have new ones.
3. Bros execute, execute, execute.
You hate those banal Facebook posts, don’t you?
- “Solid workout at the gym today. Kicked my ass! LOL”
- “Salmon. Organic asparagus. Avocado. Hemp. Muscle fuel. #feedthebeast”
- “Best quarter yet! Top grosser in my region! This city is mine! #realestatemogul”
Look, no one’s ever going to confuse the North American Bro with Sartre or Voltaire. They’re simple. They’re narcissistic bordering on solipsistic. And yet they’re also Yeoman. They’re always in that gym. They’re always pounding the phones. They’re always on that dance floor. They’re always on that grind. They shine away from the bright lights, so they can shine under the bright lights when it matters.
4. Bros are master diplomats when they want to be.
You ever have a bro ask you for something and, against your better judgment, you end up giving them what they want? And you feel like a mark afterward, but while you’re in their presence, you feel like you’re winning? That’s the art of bro-suasion. Bros know how to make you feel special when they know you can help them with something, or when they know they can glean some sort of value from you.
They’ll treat you like you’re the only person in the room, even as they treat themselves like the most important person in the room. And then when they leave, you’re on the hook to build them a website, and they haven’t even discussed payment terms with you yet. (Not that I’m bitter, or anything.)
5. Bros live it up.
When it’s bro time, it’s go time. I went to a pretty bro-tacular wedding about a year ago and, man … let me tell you … those fellas take their fun seriously. Bros designate time to unwind, time to rage, time to be with other bros. And when they do? Look out. Every party, every night is #epic.
Whether it’s at a concert (Chainsmokers!), or at a dive bar (pint night, broseph!) they are hashtag living their best life way harder than you. That fun-loving attitude is contagious and it sucks people into their gravitational pull. Ever wonder why that deep intellectual vegan siren with the children’s charity and the six-figure Instagram following is dating a gorilla who slams Jager-bombs and can barely make a Denver omelette? Because he’s fun AF.
6. Bros value the people closest to them.
Bros don’t let you talk shit about their mom, their wife, their lady, their bros, their Chivettes, their city, their team or their job. Bros have a deeply-rooted sense of community. They make sure that the people closest to them know how close they are (see: the bro hug, or, any drunken “yo … you are one of my favorite people ever” ramblings, or that ubiquitous “LOYALTY” tattoo).
Even as bros meander this pebble seeking out new people to do business with or ask out on dates, they maintain a strong connection with the people who raised them and the people they love.
7. Bros take calculated risks.
Skydiving? You know it.
Bitcoin? All in.
Obstacle Course Runs? They won their age group.
Bros will stand-up paddle-board, whitewater raft, pack their shit and move to Southern California, and knock out the walls of their house to build the one that they want. Bros aren’t outchea trying to survive — they outchea trying to dominate. They’re going hard, they’re going healthy and they’re gunning for what you’re not protecting. You scared of the bro yet? They ain’t scared of you.
The root of much of our disdain toward bros — cockiness, simple-mindedness, inflexibility, manipulative tendencies, rage, tribalism, unhinged insanity — are merely the seven habits of highly effective bros taken to their illogical sociopathic extreme.
I’m not advising turning yourself into a bro. I’m not endorsing the snap-back, the fluorescent tank, the ironic appropriation of hip-hop slang, or their reprehensible tastes in role models, reality TV or action films. Yet underneath all the beer-swilling, womanizing used-car-salesman nonsense, there are lessons to be learned. Here’s the most important one:
If bros were harmless, joyless, wealth-less folk who run around like sad-sacks, quietly keeping to themselves, we wouldn’t hate them so. The fact is, like the New York Yankees, New England Patriots and Duke Basketball (things a lot of bros seem to like a lot!), we hate them because they stay winning. Nobody hates the Cleveland Browns. Nobody hates the long-time lovable loser. We hate winners who succeed at a level disproportionate to what we believe is fair or just. That’s what bros do. The seven habits are how they do it.
So if the object of the game is to win, and the bros so clearly are, perhaps it would serve the rest of us to bro out a little and play the game the way it was meant to be played.
**grits teeth**
**blasts latest DJ Khaled record / turns it off after 10 seconds**
You know what? Nah, I’m good.
